An Isle of Man Sound Tour with Gummy Chauncey
There isna much nitelife on Mannin so I wasn sure what to write about but Bez was sayin that in perth yev got a Manxman called Eduardo an he does Sound Tours or somethin where yes all walk about the precinct an listen to the pigeons or sometin an Ise thinkin, a-oo! mayb I’ll do one of those... only problem is, most readers of this here publication are on me other side o the world so Ise thinking a-oo! An then Ise remembrin the big banty computer game calld TT Isle of Man Ride to the Edge 3 which caused a big clish-clash a coupl years aback for usin drones to scan ever meter of the Island without anyones allownce, like, ye coul see every persons house an car and even ther washin on the line “but a-oo! dont worry, yell be ridin your bike so fast ye wont notice none of it”. Thats what the devs said but it didn take too long befor some pervets hackd the game te let yer hog ride thru the graphics barrier an now anyone coul ride into yer house an see what yer doin in there lol. Prolem was, the drones what scanned the Isle only scannt the outside of buildins an the insides was all jus blank. Well the pervs dint like this, they rated the game 1 star on mass an sent a hunreds letters to the ceo saying “nex game will ye pls scan the insides of our houses too” an of course th game devs said no, finaly realisin there game was bein misused as mor then a racin game, so then they put a patch that blurt all th number plates an names of buildings an all the npcs whichd been modelld on ppl’s pass port photos got replaced wi jus one 3d model an now everone in the game looks like richard d james.
Well welcome to Gummy’s sound tour of the Isle of Man.
With yer downloated copy of TT Isle of Man Ride to the Edge 3 wel’l be startin wi our hogs on the aest side of Ramsey an slowly ridin our way to my neighbours house in Sulby (im not tellin ye my address) an on are way well be stoppin an listenin to the sounds tha ye could hear if ye were here wi me in Ramsey an not in a computer game but for now yell jus have to take my word that this is what yed be hearin.
1. The Dog Mills
As you motor into Ramsey along the A2 youll see a proper braew view of the irish sea and a rate grand stretch o seaside known as The Dog Mills. Dog Mills? yer thinkin, A-oo! whys that beach called that?? Well legend gos thar use to live a miller whod be greecin his millstones every sunday wi a pot o warm goosefat an then when the millston turnt all the grease wud ooze out an all the local dogs on the Isle would come an wait roun just te lick it off. Lol. Thas the story they tell in school, but the real story is more proper nasty:
“Dog Mills is a small settlement on the north east of the Isle of Man. The name is believed to originate from the 18th century process of farming dogs in the area and milling the bones before export to Ireland and on to Jamaica. It was then used to whiten cane sugar. The skins would used under local thatched roofs and also shipped to Ireland to make coats for sea fisherman.”\ - SeeAroundBritain.com
Well, if ye turn off the motor an have a good lissen youll hear the washin of the waves and the wishin of the trees an if you lissen careful enough, youll here the gostly wimpers of a hunred thousan dogs. LOL.
2. The Old Hag
Keep motorin down the road an, a-ooo! Yev reached the Old Hags house. Hant got a single lite or candle but a telly in every room, evry telly playn a diffren channel, place all flickrin all maddie.
The Hag was sai to be the firs person on the Isle to get a colur screen telly. Ha te travel all away te london jus te get one. Ha to tape greece paper to the windows te stop ol them freeloders from watchin frum up on th hill. Ye shoul see it at nite, its proper braew spiffy, whol hous flashs like the lite bulbs at a nite club, makes me wante break out the glow sticks lol but if ye lissen fer the souns ye jus know its telly.
3. The Childminder
Across from th Hag lives The Childminder, a lovly old woman who looks after the babbans behind th big stone fence. Ye cant see in but ye can hear the children well, all playin an singin from dawn til dusk:
Charley Barley, butther an eggs,
Sheep’s skins, cow’s legs,
Baking Bonnags,
Roasting Sconnag\s Scratch that croaghan off the hoss’s leg.
and
Sweet as sugar an soft as crame
Whats yer name?
Butther an Crame.
Who gavye that name?
My Aunty Jane.
A Mountain Banquet for a Quane!
and
Turn the butthermilk quick, quick, quick!
Turn the butthermilk quick, quick, quick!
Turn the butthermilk quick, quick, quick!
Turn the butthermilk quick, quick, quick.
4. Brit's house
Nex on your right yell see a length o houses, the second belongin to Old Hag number 2, also known as my ex girl friend lol im just kidding, were on good terms. If ye were to press ye ears te the window a few years aback, ye wulda heard some souns of smoochin an kissin lol but now you wont hear nothin on acct o her movin to egypt te do her phd in Egyptology. Lol wa even is that? learnin to draw a pyramid? lol.
5. Steif the Fishman
Motor a block te the north an youll be lookin at this seaside carpark where youll find a real article of a man calld Steif whos always sellin fish frum the back a his van. Ye relly shoul see it. Vans all spray painted wi the fish from Nemo an in fluro his got written “Steifs fish is delish or else your money back!”
But the reason Steif’s vans not yet scannd into the game is becaus it would probly caus a political scandal. Ye see befor 2023 the town of Ramsey had a proper strick rule against homeless people. Anyone caught bein a bum would get shut up in a lorry an taken 30 mins south to Douglas wher they got a big rec center to put them in, “Keep the streets clean” says the town clerk but the only tramp never gettin moved along is Steif becaus the town clerk is his brother an also, his nephew is town constable, but they wont let him stay at ther house cos of his foul language so every night he has te sleep in his cold fishy van wi no sheets an no blanket an always in the nud. Thas why youll see all the houses round the carpark have ther windows borded up.. Thats cos they dont want te see Steif’s bellend.
But this is a sound tour, not a Steif tour. Ya well Steif is always playin a CD or two. He only has two CDs. One othem is the Best of Bee Gees and the other is a cd of traditonal Manx folk dance music. He thiinks if he plays all are famus jigs itll attract more dancers wholl attract more comeovers to come an watch an buy his fish, but no one ever comes.
A-oo! Thas all my allotted words.
Traa dy Liooar,
Gummy.